[ he shrugs... it's as hard to explain as it is to feel. but it's part of being human, which kaworu apparently isn't, so... how is he supposed to explain that? ]
Did you really want to, though? Even when you cared so much about what this Shinji guy thought of you?
I know. I don't understand them and yet, I think I understand humans even more now that I share their lack of understanding.
[A sigh.]
It wasn't what about what I wanted. I had no idea I was capable of wanting only that I existed for a certain purpose. It was my feelings for Shinji that made me realize I had my own will.
I don't know. I expected the end and nothing more after that. So I never considered anything more. I just hoped Death would give me the freedom I sought.
[he was chill with dying honestly. This is all more confusing. What do you do with a second chance you didn't ask for or didn't think you needed?]
[Kaworu watches the memory... no, he feels the memory. It's almost like when he felt the feelings of the First Child flow into him and new emotions that he's never felt flood his brain. He feels the frustration at this "Iris" and the longing. Two emotions that should be contradictory and
When it ends he raises his hand to his chest.]
Is that what you meant? By caring about someone even if you don't like them?
[ he hates this memory, the way rosalie threw her well-intentioned little barbs, the way she drew out those memories of when he and iris were younger, the way she saw right through him.
laurence sighs. ]
Yeah. That's what I meant. Sometimes it's just more complicated than we want it to be.
[He says but he really doesn't see. It's a shellshocked response. In fact, he's more confused than ever about what it means to care for someone and and what it means to like someone and everything in between.
Something wet drips onto his arm and he realizes that for the second time in his life there's tears in his eyes.]
[The flood of new emotions... things he could have felt, things people might feel about him. He reached up to scrub at his face, watching tears drip onto his knuckles.]
I have people I'm fond of. But I also think having a friend is different than what I thought it was. I'm still trying to understand.
[Before he thought someone would just declare you a friend and that was that. You had a special bond. Now, he understands it's more complicated. But not exactly what it is. It's caring and being cared for. Bringing someone water. Letting them hold a precious toy.
He hiccups.]
I know. I know the world is chaotic and beyond our control but emotions are-[He huffs.] So heavy. How do you feel them and and not feel like you're drowning in them?
[ maybe laurence has no room to talk, but he feels... a little bad for kaworu. even knowing about his upbringing and what he was raised for, not knowing what having a friend is like is kind of sad. even iris knew, and probably made penny to fill the gap. ]
That's not enough for you to call someone a friend? Sometimes liking someone and spending time with them is all it is.
[ rubs neck. ]
Sometimes, I do. I think that's why I started crying, in that memory. It was too much, and I got overwhelmed. [ ... ] But it isn't always like that - that heavy. Sometimes it's good to feel.
[ like that wisp of a memory within a memory - a time when the world was brighter, and laurence could laugh with a dear friend. before the reality of the tower started to sink in and fear took a stronger hold in him than joy. ]
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outdistanced) wrote2025-02-17 01:23 pm
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[ he shrugs... it's as hard to explain as it is to feel. but it's part of being human, which kaworu apparently isn't, so... how is he supposed to explain that? ]
Did you really want to, though? Even when you cared so much about what this Shinji guy thought of you?
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[A sigh.]
It wasn't what about what I wanted. I had no idea I was capable of wanting only that I existed for a certain purpose. It was my feelings for Shinji that made me realize I had my own will.
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Right, because you were raised for it. But what about now? Now that you know you can want things for yourself. What do you want?
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[he was chill with dying honestly. This is all more confusing. What do you do with a second chance you didn't ask for or didn't think you needed?]
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[FEEL FREE TO TOSS IN A MEMORY or something wahoo.]
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[ whatever that ends up being. there's time for him to decide, anyway.
but okay. instead of red, the glass here is a bright white. ]
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When it ends he raises his hand to his chest.]
Is that what you meant? By caring about someone even if you don't like them?
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laurence sighs. ]
Yeah. That's what I meant. Sometimes it's just more complicated than we want it to be.
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[He says but he really doesn't see. It's a shellshocked response. In fact, he's more confused than ever about what it means to care for someone and and what it means to like someone and everything in between.
Something wet drips onto his arm and he realizes that for the second time in his life there's tears in his eyes.]
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Ah- shit, Kaworu, I- I'm sorry, I didn't mean--
[ THIS IS HIS FAULT AAAAAAA ]
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[The flood of new emotions... things he could have felt, things people might feel about him. He reached up to scrub at his face, watching tears drip onto his knuckles.]
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[ well. that's not true. he knows, it's just hard to own up to. ]
I was... a little overwhelmed when that happened. I'm sorry, Kaworu, you shouldn't be the one dealing with it.
[ just. kind of hovers, unsure what to do but clearly concerned?? ]
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[He doesn't seem alright but he's clearly trying to be... furiously wiping the tears that keep running.]
You all feel so much. How do you handle it?
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[ just. for the record. laurence often isn't. ]
We don't really have a choice but to handle it one way or another. Usually that's what talking to friends is for... or anyone you trust, I guess.
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[He wipes at his face again and takes a shuddering breath. He feels dizzy... there's so much going on in his head and his heart.]
I just need to figure out how to regulate these feelings. Then I can control them.
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laurence sighs, suddenly exasperated, too. ]
Dude... Seriously, not everything can be controlled.
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[Before he thought someone would just declare you a friend and that was that. You had a special bond. Now, he understands it's more complicated. But not exactly what it is. It's caring and being cared for. Bringing someone water. Letting them hold a precious toy.
He hiccups.]
I know. I know the world is chaotic and beyond our control but emotions are-[He huffs.] So heavy. How do you feel them and and not feel like you're drowning in them?
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That's not enough for you to call someone a friend? Sometimes liking someone and spending time with them is all it is.
[ rubs neck. ]
Sometimes, I do. I think that's why I started crying, in that memory. It was too much, and I got overwhelmed. [ ... ] But it isn't always like that - that heavy. Sometimes it's good to feel.
[ like that wisp of a memory within a memory - a time when the world was brighter, and laurence could laugh with a dear friend. before the reality of the tower started to sink in and fear took a stronger hold in him than joy. ]