outdistanced | turbo heaven 🌼 chrono

It doesn't matter.

[ there's only so much the flame of anger could burn away, of this. after the fifth fucking death this weekend, it can't keep up anymore. ]

Whether I reach out or stay put, something'll happen. An action I make just becomes someone else's problem to fix. Yves- you- everyone's hurting so much, and I can't do anything. Just being here makes it worse like it always has.

[ his hands retreat, suddenly. what is he even talking about? today, of all days, like he has any right? ]

Th-this isn't-- I should go. Sorry.

How do you think I feel? Everyone's always trying to take care of me as if I'm not eighteen years old, and I've barely been able to help at all in these trials.

[ he asks the wrong questions, for his whistle. he ends up on the suspect lists. he freaks out about the evidence they find and when they know who the suspects are. he believes the wrong people, as he had with firefly.

he unconsciously reaches for chrono's hands when he pulls back, though not quite enough to catch him. ]

Why? [ is it the same thing as after trial? all this stuff about making things worse? ] You haven't made anything worse. Not for me.

[ he's only helped, so far, but there is a spike of anxiety now, and laurence can't put why into words. it's too vulnerable, when they never know who they can trust, and he really, really wants someone he can trust. and right now, especially, with everything that's happened today, there's so much on his mind that it's all overwhelming. he doesn't want to be stuck alone with that. today of all days, he doesn't want to be alone. ]

[ the motion is enough, to make him falter, though he does not reach back yet from where he'd recoiled. his hands hover, stiff, as he stutters over a half-formed insistence on leaving.

he'd gotten mad about the same thing, recently. this insistence on being protected, being called a child, as if that made any difference when they were all dealing with this shit at the same time. ]

--you're just doing the right thing! You're doing what you can. You helped with all kinds of things, and just for...

[ being here. someone to trust, even though with akihiko now it felt so hard to be able to maintain that with everything else. there had been that moment, in the maze after viewing those memories, where they'd acknowledged that in each other. we've gotta stick together, and they had.

and it hits him, that anxiety, as his own slots into place. he was betraying it, in laurence's eyes, just one more thing to place on his heavily burdened shoulders. betraying it to himself, where he could place his trust.

he didn't want to cause any more hurt. he didn't want to lose another person, another friend, a confidant and someone he cared for. and perhaps selfishly, he does not want to be alone.

slowly, his tension loosens. his hands reach back out, slotting into laurence's this time with a firm kind of grip. ]

... I've never had to explain it before. [ everyone else had either known, or never bothered to ask. ] Are you sure it's okay?

And you seriously think you haven't?

[ a little bit of frustration bleeds through as he asks that, because he is so, so sure for a few seconds that chrono is going to leave again, just as he had last night. resigns himself to it, because frankly - he understands, in a way. laurence has always had a way of putting distance between himself and others without letting them know or telling them why. it's what he's good at.

he doesn't expect chrono to reach out again. to match his anxiety, or offer to actually tell him what it is that's going through his mind. it catches him off guard... but after a moment's hesitation, he nods. ]

Zhongli said... [ he pauses to take a deep breath through the longing - he still misses that old man so much. ] ...that we should lean on each other. So it's okay.

[ there's no need to answer the question - it had been rhetorical, anyway, given what they knew of each other. but it stills him a little anyway, pins him with the feeling of once again being perceived. bizarrely, it makes him want to stay even more this time. a recognition, in their mirrored fears. an invitation, posed in a way that makes his own heart ache and an exhausted almost-laugh wrack his throat. sounds like him.

chrono bows his head, closes his eyes. he's never talked about it - only parts, through tears and under pressure. but like this the words begin to flow from that dam that had broken, unable to be restrained once they started. ]

...you know some of it, already. The connection I made, how it caused problems. [ his hands tremble. it's hard, still, to talk about it. ] You saw it, with the Stride Gate. And another, which-- shit, I don't even know how to describe it. But they weren't these huge battles. It wasn't some great mission to save the world. There was this tiny group of people who knew what was going on, me who didn't know anythin' and couldn't escape it anyway, and then just-- anyone who was just unlucky enough to be close to me.

[ bonds. it had begun with him, a nothing middleschooler with no past and no future, who pushed others away because it was easier than being abandoned again. then he'd dared to let it change. ]

My friends have nothin' to do with any of it aside from knowing me. But they'd be targeted because of it. Shion's family lost everything because he was close enough. Tokoha's brother almost died just to make her act. Taiyou leapt in fast enough to stop my idiot ass from gettin' crushed by my own stupid choices and was in rehab for months. And Kazuma-- to protect me, he-- [ he bites it back, not quite able to get it out. ] I-I almost lost him, to worse than just death. I did lose him, because I got angry enough to make a stupid choice and nearly got all of us killed.

And every time, I could only rely on other people to clean it up for me, even though it was because of me they were suffering in the first place. The only reason things ended up okay is because everyone put in the danger that my existence caused fought to fix it. It was said to my face, y'know? My existence was a manifestation of the desire for destruction.

[ a claim he'd refuted at the time, with the baseless bravado of someone who needed to get through the fight, considering ibuki had been half-dead in his arms. he'd had it thrown back in his face, losing kazuma barely a week later. it had never really left since then. ]

...I don't think it's like that, here, not really. I'm not self-centered enough to think I'm some harbinger who brought this with me. [ he sighs, going limp, suddenly struck with a bone-deep tiredness. ] I promised not to say lonely things anymore, but-- everything here has been so fucking bad. The feeling won't go away now. That whatever I try to do, someone's gonna get hurt more when I make that stupid choice. If I'm close to someone, it's gonna be worse. It's how it was before, for as long as I've been lucky enough to have people who cared for me.

[ his shoulders shrink in on themselves, grip on laurence's hands slipping weakly. the last thing he says is barely above a whisper. ]

Despite it all, I... I don't want to be alone.

[ he listens, quiet, and trying very hard to hard to understand, but can't hide the feeling of dismay that only grows stronger the more chrono says. unlucky enough to know him? no, that can't be right. chrono wouldn't will any of that on anyone?

his heart clenches with sympathy as he speaks about his friends - especially kazuma, boy does that sound familiar, in a weird way - but what really strikes a chord is what follows. that someone would say something to cruel to his face? that really pisses him off, and maybe that's wrong to feel, when he knows so little, but he doesn't even try to hide it or the way his grip tightens on chrono's hands. anger's always been a little too easy to hold onto. ]

I get it. Everything we do, even if it's really helping like they keep saying - someone still gets hurt by it, no matter what.

[ on saturdays, it's solving the clues, finding the answers or failing, choosing someone to die. on sundays, it's the executioner and everyone watching, unable to help. even knowing that death is a cure of sorts doesn't make it hurt any less.

it's so damn frustrating not being able to do anything but hurt others or be hurt. and there's no way to escape it. ]

I'm sorry, Chrono. I- I don't know what to do here. I can't make it go away. [ he wishes he did, that he knew how to help with that feeling, so badly, but he's never been good at this. never once in his life did he even try. it's harder than he ever thought it could be. ] But I don't believe it, either. None of this is your fault and you're not making it worse.

And you shouldn't be alone. I don't want you to be.

[ no more than laurence wants to be alone, either. ]

Yeah. Someone still gets hurt.

[ getting all of that out has left him feeling entirely drained. all he'd meant is just to explain why he felt like he'd needed to leave, as he'd been asked - this had definitely overstepped that goal, offered more than he'd wanted to give. but it's lighter, to have spoken it aloud. sharing a pain, at this lowest point. the echo of emotion that makes him feel justified, in all his fears and frustrations.

and it's nice, to be told that it was untrue. even if he can't entirely believe it, he wants to try.

he twists away in the chair, one hand still holding laurence's like a lifeline. it's difficult to get comfortable, hospital chair against a wall not an ideal place to be sleeping, but it's not like his body could ache much more than it already did. there was no way he could ever leave now. ]

You can't make it go away. Nothing can, like this. But...

[ he lets the anger and grief go for a second. the simple warmth he feels, being with someone he cares for; the relief he'd felt, when laurence had hugged him back this morning; the happiness from the earlier week, their dance at the party, the conversation with taair when he'd looked after them post-trial; things to hold onto, that remained under everything, given a chance to exist in the foreground for just a moment. ]

Being here helps. [ a deep exhale, as the emotional walls start rebuilding themselves. ] I guess... just let me be here for you, Laurence.

[ he knew he couldn't do anything to change it, but it still kind of hurts to hear. not that that's chrono's fault, or laurence's, or anyone's, but... laurence really never liked seeing anyone miserable. even with iris, he always felt a little bad about abandoning him the way that he did, and not being there when he was really needed.

he just doesn't want to make that mistake again. even if it's a little frightening to be that vulnerable.

...it's nice to have a break from all the bad, though, even if it's just a moment through all the misery. they can afford that, right? ]

Okay. [ he breathes a sigh, and tries to let some of the tension go with it. ] Then don't leave me.

[ don't leave. don't die. it's all the same, at this point. ]

I don't want to.

[ it's the only answer he can give. anything more is too much like a promise they both know they can't keep. his chest aches, anyway, overfull with too much to pick through. all he can do is squeeze laurence's hand, and after a contemplative moment, shift to loosely interlock their fingers. it's an easier hold, with them on different levels of seating.

warmth, gratitude, and relief to soothe that hurt. it's not laurence's responsibility to fix this, and he's sorry that it makes him hurt at all. he wishes, badly, it could just be this for longer, but logically the anger will fight its way back on top eventually. they can afford this moment, though, yes.

i can't lose you too. ]

...hey, Laurence? One question?

[ it's nice to hear, anyway, and the best that anyone can offer in a place like this. most people here never chose to leave, after all. it's just how it is. heaven really isn't the paradise it's supposed to be and he's more bitter about it every day.

but he can set that aside for a little while. they always get a few days after expelling someone to relax and forget to be too stressed about it, anyway, and he's also just. tired. so he just kind of settles back onto the hospital bed and tries not to think too hard about the residual pain that cuts through the medication. ]

Sure. What is it?

[ chrono lets him settle back, trying to find his own comfort in the awkward chair. he's slept on worse, though, so after a moment he kind of gives up and kicks his legs out, tipping his head back against the wall. maybe he'll go grab a pillow once laurence is asleep. ]

Mm. You said eighteen. Did you have a birthday?

[ he remembers his profile reading seventeen, because they were the same. ]

[ ...ah? he blinks in surprise. ]

Uh. Yeah. It was a couple weeks ago - the 24th.

Oh.

[ pretty early into this whole mess. it may have been a few weeks, but it felt like a lifetime ago. ]

Well, it's not much now, but. Happy birthday.

[ he'll give his hand a gentle squeeze, and drop the hold so he can rest better. ]

[ well now he feels a little awkward? rubs his neck briefly with his now free hand as he gets more comfortable. ]

I don't really like making a big deal out of my birthday, anyway...

[ so he really hadn't told anyone lmao. how mortifying would it be to have people make it a whole thing. ]

...but thanks.

I'm not gonna go around yellin' about it, don't worry.

[ ...yeah no this chair situation is not working. reluctantly he gets up, joints screaming in protest like he's a much older person than he is. ]

Hold on a sec, I gotta go get a pillow and blanket.

[ son are you a teenager or a grandpa. he's self-conscious enough to feel a little bad for making chrono deal with that, but he nods. ]

I'm not going anywhere.

[ IT'S BEEN A ROUGH FEW WEEKS!!

anyway he'll go raid an empty rooms bed of its bedding and another quilt for good measure and just chuck it on the floor nearby. decided he hates the chair. we're blanket nesting in here. ]

If anyone gets mad about this they can shove it.

[ he could literally just grab some extra bedding from yves and laurence's room by now they have enough for several blanket forts

anyway he snorts ]

I don't think they'd care unless my injuries got worse somehow. I don't want to worry anyone, anyway.

[ he's not leaving the hospital just for pre-bloodied sheets man

ah yes much better. a humble nest for the fretting card game protagonist. he settles in, close but not too close, sighing as he shoves his head into the pillow. augh. ]

We're gonna be worried anyway, but it's a good thing. If we still feel things like that, it means we're not numb to it all.

[ they aren't ALL pre-bloodied wow we have enough to bring to curfews ]

...You sound like Basilio, saying stuff like that.

Hah, really? Well, it's true. Don't you think?

[ oh, wow, his head hits the pillow and he's like. instantly more relaxed. not quite ready to sleep yet, though, not while laurence is still awake. ]

...get some sleep, man.

I just think it'd be easier, sometimes, if we didn't have to feel that way.

[ but that's really just his privilege speaking in having never lost anyone, iris aside.

he is exhausted, though, so he'll be out before long. ]

turbo heaven 🌼 chrono

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